When Motherhood Feels Heavier Than Expected - On Anxiety, Guilt and the Support We Actually Need
Finding the right words for this article has been difficult for me—maybe because it’s deeply personal.
As a therapist, I was taught that we shouldn’t talk about our personal experiences with clients. But times have changed, and I truly believe there is value in sharing parts of our stories. Maybe mine will help you feel less alone in yours.
I remember lying in bed after my first baby was born, feeling this overwhelming wave of emotions I couldn’t name. Pure love, yes—the kind of love I’d never felt before—but also fear, exhaustion, and overwhelm. The intensity of the birth had already changed me in ways I couldn’t yet describe. I never expected that pain, that transition, that complete shift in who I was. Now, holding this tiny person I was completely responsible for, I felt the weight of it all pressing down.
It’s not the motherhood story we’re taught to expect.
As a young adult, I had a romantic, even naive view of motherhood. I remember the beautiful bubble I was in during my first pregnancy—the excitement of meeting my baby, of creating the family I dreamed of.
The reality? It was beautiful, yes. But also scary. Full of surprises, exhaustion, worry, and expectations I hadn’t anticipated.
If you’ve felt this too—the 3am worries, the constant mental checklist, the quiet fear that you’re not enough—please know this: there is nothing uniquely wrong with you. I don’t mean that as a platitude. I mean it literally, both as a mother who has lived it and as a therapist who sits with mothers experiencing this every day.
You Are Not Alone: The Numbers That Matter
The statistics tell a story that many women live quietly.
Mental illness in pregnancy and the first year after birth affects up to 20% of women globally. Here in Europe, studies across Belgium, Norway, Switzerland, the Netherlands, and the UK show that 16–17% of pregnant and postpartum women experience major depressive or moderate to severe anxiety symptoms.
Perhaps most significantly: at least one in five women experiences postpartum anxiety.
These aren’t just numbers. They represent millions of mothers carrying anxiety, overwhelm, and self-doubt.
Maternal anxiety isn’t a character flaw or a sign of weakness. It’s a response to one of life’s most profound transitions—happening in a body and mind navigating massive hormonal shifts, sleep deprivation, and the responsibility of keeping another human alive.
The Transition No One Prepares You For
The transition to motherhood is seismic—and yet we’re often expected to handle it seamlessly.
Estrogen and progesterone drop after birth. You’re recovering physically while learning to breastfeed, living with extreme sleep deprivation, and trying to interpret every cry.
But it’s not just biological. The identity shift is profound.
For me, the transition from no baby to one was harder than I expected. Questions looped through my mind: Who am I now, beyond “mother”? Who are we as a couple? I found myself grieving my former self—and then feeling guilty about that grief. How could I miss my old life when I had this baby I wanted so much? Why wasn’t I just blissfully happy?
Here’s what I wish someone had told me sooner: it’s not about finding your “new self.” It’s about holding space for all of it—the love and the loss, the joy and the overwhelm, the gratitude and the grief.
You can deeply want motherhood and still find it harder than you imagined.
And then comes the advice about self-care—how you’re supposed to “fill your cup” so you can give to everyone else. Yes, caring for yourself matters. But when self-care becomes another item on an already impossible to-do list, it simply becomes one more place you feel you’re failing.
This is often where therapy can help—not by taking motherhood away, but by helping you carry it differently.
The Anxiety Landscape of Motherhood
Maternal anxiety isn’t just worry. It’s a mental load that never truly switches off.
It sounds like:
Am I doing this right? Am I enough? What if something happens?
Every decision feels enormous. The fear that something might happen to your child sits in your chest like a stone.
Maybe you can’t sleep even when the baby sleeps because your mind won’t quiet. Maybe your heart races, your chest feels tight, or panic arrives without warning.
The Guilt–Anxiety Spiral
Anxiety and guilt feed each other in motherhood.
You feel anxious about being a good mother.
Then guilty when you need space.
Then anxious about feeling guilty.
Then exhausted by the cycle.
Then guilty for being exhausted.
Around and around it goes.
Add impossible standards: social media mothers who seem effortless, pristine homes, babies always content, bodies that “bounce back.” The pressure to enjoy every moment. The myth that maternal instinct means you should just know.
Here’s the truth:
You can love your children fiercely and still find motherhood hard.
You can be a good mother and still need breaks.
You can be struggling and still be enough.
Good enough really is good enough.
What Intensifies Maternal Anxiety
Risk factors include previous mental health struggles, deprivation, life stress, and limited social support. But every mother carries her own unique set of pressures.
For some, it’s:
Ongoing sleep deprivation
A partner who travels or works long hours
Financial stress
Previous pregnancy loss or birth trauma
A baby with medical or feeding challenges
A history of anxiety or depression
Relationship difficulties
Single parenting
Caring for older children while adjusting to a newborn
The Layer of Distance (Especially for Expat Mothers)
In my practice here in Ibiza, I often see how living far from family adds another layer:
Building a support network from scratch
Navigating healthcare in another language
Adjusting to different cultural parenting norms
Missing grandparents and extended family
Being your own primary support system
But geography isn’t the real issue.
The common thread is the gap between the support you need and the support you have.
Some mothers live near family but don’t feel supported. Others are surrounded by people who unintentionally increase pressure. It’s this gap—however it’s created—that makes anxiety heavier.
Understanding the Difference: Baby Blues, PPD, and PPA
Baby Blues
Up to 85% of mothers experience emotional sensitivity and weepiness in the first days after birth. This usually resolves within two weeks.
Postpartum Depression (PPD)
Affects 10–15% of women in the first year.
Symptoms include persistent sadness, loss of interest, difficulty bonding, excessive guilt, sleep or appetite changes, fatigue, concentration problems, and in severe cases thoughts of self-harm.
Postpartum Anxiety (PPA)
Constant worry
Racing thoughts
Physical symptoms (racing heart, dizziness, shortness of breath)
Panic attacks
Intrusive thoughts
Compulsive checking or cleaning
Feeling on edge or irritable
Avoidance
The Overlap
About 75% of women with postpartum anxiety also experience depression. These conditions often occur together.
When to Seek Help
Seek immediate support if you experience:
Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby
Inability to care for yourself or your child
Severe panic attacks
Hallucinations or feeling disconnected from reality
Book support soon if symptoms last longer than two weeks, interfere with daily life, or include intrusive thoughts, sleep problems, or bonding difficulties.
You don’t need to wait until crisis.
If motherhood feels heavier than expected, that’s reason enough.
What Actually Helps
Professional Support
Therapy can help you:
Separate anxiety from your identity as a mother
Challenge fearful thoughts
Build coping strategies that fit real life
Reconnect with yourself
Hold both love and overwhelm without judgement
Practical Strategies (Not Another To-Do List)
Think in three simple areas:
Mind
Name it: “I’m anxious” instead of “I’m failing.”
Body
Drink water
Step outside for two minutes
Rest once a day when the baby sleeps, even if dishes wait
Support
Ask specifically: “Can you hold the baby while I shower?”
Find honest mother spaces (online or in person)
Small compassion matters:
Lower the bar. Dinner can be simple. The house doesn’t need to be perfect.
Asking for help isn’t weakness—it’s strength.
Ask yourself:
What does my body or mind need right now?
Sometimes it’s water. Sometimes it’s fresh air. Sometimes it’s saying, “I’m not okay.”
For Expat Mothers
If you’re raising children far from home:
Video call family during ordinary moments
Find other expat mothers
Be gentle about the missing village
Remember you’re doing something incredibly hard
Reach out to local support, including therapy
A Final Word
Here in Ibiza, I work with mothers navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and life far from home—the isolation, the strength it takes, the quiet resilience.
Wherever you are—newborn fog, toddler chaos, or years of carrying this weight—you don’t have to do it alone.
"You might think some days you can't do this. That it seems to be impossible. But you can. You are. With each season comes change. It isn't easy. But it's so worth it."
— Jessica Urlichs
Motherhood can be anxiety-inducing in many ways—the stakes are genuinely high because you love deeply. And loving deeply makes us vulnerable.
The anxiety doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It often means you care.
But caring shouldn’t mean suffering in silence.
You don’t need to be in crisis to reach out. You don’t need the “right” struggle. If motherhood feels heavier than expected, that’s enough.
You are not failing.
And you deserve support.
Denise Wolf is a psychotherapist specialising in anxiety, stress, burnout, and expat life transitions. She works with mothers and individuals in English and German, offering in-person sessions in Ibiza and online support internationally.